I'm Done Hiding Them

I’ve had to compartmentalize a lot in my life. I hadn’t realized until very recently that I was an expert at not dealing with my emotions.

Emotions can be scary things and in my family of origin, mine were too big. It was too much coming out of someone so small who couldn’t tell anyone how they were feeling or what was going on inside but I learned through the years that expressing my big feelings wasn’t safe. I began experiencing depression when I was about 12 years old. I longed to exit this world. It was too cruel and I was so small being just one person and there was so much pain. Whether it was a learned ability or a gift given to me by the Creator I could feel others. It was a long time before I knew what this was or that it was even happening. All I knew is that others could come to me with their problems and talk them out and they would feel better and I would carry their heaviness away with me. Couple that with big emotions being a problem and you can surmise… I drowned emotionally.

Many nights I prayed to die. Many mornings I cried because I was still here. I had been on and off medication since I was 15 (finally officially diagnosed with major depressive disorder). After having my daughter I became tethered to this world. I would live if it killed me completely inside because I refused to leave her and began to want to stay.

She’s 14 now and when I have suicidal ideation it quickly changes to banishing the old thinking of “get me out of here” and an exploration into “how the fuck did I get here.” Now I see the pattern that my very big emotions have never been welcome.

But what if I can allow myself to express all the things I feel in a way that feels safe? What if I can let the tears held back by years of just trying to get by? What if I can let myself wail and mourn the losses I’ve suffered in my life without shutting myself up? What if I can just be with all of it and not hold back?

Lately, I’ve wondered… is this the next step to my healing? I’ve been through enough. Is this the corner I’m turning to something better? Recent health flare-up has come to me for such a time as this. I don’t believe in coincidences. Is this so that I could see the toxicity of hiding my emotions in the basement of my soul hoping no one ever has to meet them? What if they are the magic that set me free? No longer hidden in the depths, what if they give me what I’ve been looking for this entire time?

more posts you may enjoy