Forging a New Path

Forging a new path is never easy. I’ve been practicing forging new paths within myself for almost a solid year now. It was yet another ghosting, from a repeat offender, that made me wake up enough to say, “I don’t want to do this anymore. “ I had ignored the red flags. I had made excuses for behavior because I’m not perfect either. I would forgive when it was never asked for and let the man who hurt me deeply back in even when the pattern was worn deep between us and I knew deep down they would only do it again. I wanted it to be different but I knew it wouldn’t be. I’d make boundaries and then not hold them. (Don’t worry I see my own toxicity there.) I’d allow him to make me feel like I was asking for the world when I was just asking for the bare minimum. The ending of that relationship fully took more time. I was still in love (I still do deeply love him), and I hadn’t quite figured out what it was that made me want to go back every time even though I knew the pattern would always be the same unless we both changed. But that particular ghosting shattered something inside of me and I started to crawl out of the box I had put myself in.

I pushed my limits. I let myself believe what I believe. I began to listen deeply to my intuition. I had always listened but often ignored or judged it. The difference now was I didn’t try to explain my intuition away. I let her be. She’d tell me what’s up and I would just let it sit. I then either listened or didn’t.

The slump backward always happened when other parts of my life were less than stellar. I would take the shitty treatment because “at least I have this.” That tendency is still there as proof by the fact that the last few weeks were trying and I found myself wanting that relationship back. I found myself wanting to get sucked right back in where I had been, where I fought so hard to get out of, where I knew the same cycle would play itself out again. I kept reminding myself, “You know how this ends. You get heartbroken and he’s nowhere to be found.” It was plain: Did I want the same cycle or did I want to forge a new path? I chose the new path. It was plain but it wasn’t easy.

Making a new way for yourself is not easy. There are moments of lightness and fearlessness and power and there are moments that feel absolutely soul-crippling and you aren’t sure you’ll make it. I’ve made here to the other side of this particular chasm and I’m calling over to you from across the void. “You can do it! When you are ready… deep down you’ll know it’s time even though it’s hard. I’m here! You can do it!”

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