Waking Up

I have struggled the past couple of weeks. Memories that had been buried down deep in my mind had resurfaced. Incredibly painful and worrying memories that I needed someone to confirm as truth because they are so contrary to the tape that I had been given.

You see, I was in a horribly abusive relationship. Previous to these memories surfacing I would have said 99 percent of the abuse was emotional and mental. Now I believe it to have been more evenly peppered with physical abuse. The shame of writing that sentence is great because the tape that was written for me says, "You deserved it and should be ashamed (and therefore silent)." I refuse that any longer. I am not ashamed of myself, of what I went through because I did not do anything to deserve being treated that way. I did not deserve the gaslighting, nor the insults, nor the blows to my mind or the treatment of my body. 

The narcissist that I loved made my life an unsteady hell but painted me as the "crazy" one to our friends and family. I do actually suffer from mental illness but that by no means makes me "crazy". I am very up-front about my illness(es) and manage them the best I can while also seeking help from professionals. The odd thing is that I often allowed him to paint me as crazy because I was the one with the diagnosis. He wasn't.

Recently, I've found myself waking up. Waking up to the tape that has been laid down in my mind and I have begun tearing it out. My meditation practice has made a great impact. I have devoted myself to carving out time to sit and breathe. Letting my mind be still and just listening for God. Listening for the only truth and the truest love I have ever known. He has always been near to me and will never leave me. 

It is in this space of waking up that I find myself wanting more and more to share this journey with others. The fear of judgment is not something I want to bend to anymore. I have too much to do and say and so many people that I want to know that there is love and there is healing. I'm walking that same journey with you. 

I'm waking up. I hope you are, too.