I remember a time that i knew what to say. Not always. Not in every situation, but I mostly wasn’t afraid to speak what was on my mind. Not in a rude way but just as a matter of ‘I think this way’ and let it be. I used to be able to write what I thought without a multitude - a deluge really - of fears and worries over how it would be taken (or how id’ be judged for it).

The truth is so much has changed for me personally that I have clammed up and talking about anything has become difficult because I feel like I’m always dancing around the truth.

It would take hundreds of pages to explain it all. Neither of us have time for that now. I’ll just pick up like we’re old friends. The long story of it all will be scattered in and out of my personal updates and musings… but I felt like there needed to be a moment of recognition. Maybe just for myself.

I have changed. My beliefs have changed. I am not the same woman who started this journey (or even this blog 10 years ago). For quite a few years now I’ve been on a journey of connecting with Spirit in my own way outside of organized religion. There’s always been a lot of this in my daily existence.
For example: A breeze through the trees feels more like whispers from Spirit than it does a natural phenomena of heat and cold moving air. Nature has always felt more like church than a building ever has.

I turned my natural affinity for walking in the spirit world into weaving the magic in the mundane. And that means a lot of different things for different people. For me it means bringing intention into what I’m doing. I don’t succeed at this all the time. Partly because chronic illness can make things hard to do and living with intention all the time does take extra energy. My starting point in the day - my morning pour over - is an anchor of ritual for me even if I’m feeling poorly.

This all translates to: My beliefs have been completely altered and where I once saw black and white - I see a lot of grey. (Old me is horrified somewhere I’m sure. Or she’s enamored because she always lived on the outskirts being half in and half out of this world.) It means that I believe enough in a Creator that I don’t need to define everything to find peace or stillness. In fact, I’ve found more peace in letting go of all I knew than I ever did trying to make it fit into a box. This life, our human experience, Spirit… cannot fit into narrow definitions and boxes.

I still have all the existential questions (and sometimes dread) but mostly I have my connection with Spirit - and that’s all I’ve ever really had in the first place. The way I read the Bible is the way I read cards now. The way I kept a conversation with God is how I still connect now. The gifts then are still the gifts I have now. The leading then is the the leading now. It’s all following my internal compass and “chance” that I’ve never believed was random in the first place.