If I were to describe the month of July it would be this one word: setback. I think that I’ve done a fairly good job of rationalizing my chronic illness to this point. “Oh well, x y z happened and cause deep stress and inflammation my body couldn’t recover from.” “Yeah, but I think x was the trigger.” “Oh, it is always worse around my period.”

Yes, through the years I have found triggers I now avoid, I have thought I have found triggers only to remove them and nothing gets better. I have indeed gone to great lengths to reduce stress in my life. Yes, it is always worse around my period.

And then… this flare up happened. I’ve been doing fine. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It’s all just fine. Great? Maybe not. But i’m not in turmoil, my body is what it is, we are just chugging along doing life and here it is. The flare up with its pain and exhaustion and isolation and… I’m ready for it to be over. But just like in the beginning of experience trigeminal neuralgia every flare up I think, “Oh it is done.” It flares one more time. I’m three flares deep now. In a month’s time. Which hasn’t happened in literally years.

I’m discouraged. There is no cure for trigeminal neuralgia. Some people have cases that can be solved by surgery. I am not a candidate for that procedure. There is remission which I have found before and will find again. For now… my life is disrupted deeply and my thoughts untamed while I try to find relief in a quiet room.

It won’t last forever. That much I know now. This won’t be every day. This is today though and maybe tomorrow. The dichotomy of despair in the moment and hope for the future is palatable. The idea that I will one day (soon Lord please) walk outside and not wince at the sun and the noise of the creatures but be warmed and bask in the glory of alll that is there bolsters me and also makes my heart ache.

That day could be six weeks from now or six hours. There is no telling.

So for now, I try to be kind to myself. I went to the doctor today. I had to be driven but I did go. I did go the the pharmacy. I did shower and get dressed. I did put on mascara. I did all of those things I could not do yesterday. Tomorrow might be better or it might be worse but it will at least be.

And so will I.