Out of all of the heaviness there have been beautiful moments of light. Moments with family at the beach. Moments when my girl and I lock eyes for a moment and my heart overflows again from a place I didn't know existed until I was a mom. Moments when I remember that none of this depends on me. 

This morning was one of those moments I wanted to be in those light  moments so badly but I was crawling into it. Tea next to me, journal and Bible open, and me at a complete loss. Reading and the words felt foreign and heavy where they had felt like fresh air just two weeks ago. The heaviness a real barometer of how my heart was feeling. "But why..." my constant question to Him. Then I remember... there is a plan. 

A plan. One I don't understand and don't have to but one I'm constantly asking about. It's like I've read the ending to a story and I have no idea how the author will get the plot there. It's actually terrifying if I let it be. I try to remember that loving is the most important thing. Loving Him first, loving others second. All of the others. ALL. OF. THEM. 

I let myself end there. No further today... I'm just crawling into the light hoping I'll be standing there again soon.